Thank You for Asking

A studio apartment in West Hollywood around 8pm.  

8:04pm Sonia: Channa masala is in the fridge - very little spice this time. Sour cream next to the plate. 

8:06pm Sonia: Medicine is on the coffee table with water - remember to take after dinner.  

8:06pm Sonia: Love you! <3 

I look up from my phone screen at the sound of a familiar song growing louder and louder from Kaliyah’s bathroom Bluetooth speaker. 

When I introduced my two closest friends to my favorite punk band, Dog from Hell, I hadn’t anticipated them loving the music as much as I do. 

Their songs have been a source of joy for me in a near joyless season. From waiting rooms to car rides to trying to fall asleep at night, their poetic music has given me a sense of peace I wouldn’t otherwise have access to. 

The familiarity in the lead singer’s Irish accent and the slight mispronunciation of the lyrics as my friends sing along feels comforting, especially when so much between us feels unfamiliar now. 

I plug my phone into the charger and lean against the pink tiled counter of Kaliyah’s tiny kitchen. I retreated–under the guise of finding an open outlet; however, my phone is fully charged given that only one person really calls or texts me these days and that person is my father.

“Where is our Soniaaaaaaaa?” Kaliyah calls out over the music, which isn’t hard to do when the bathroom and the kitchen are a few feet apart given the intimate size of an LA studio apartment.  

I return to the bathroom to find Kaliyah fluffing her luscious curls while humming along to the beat. Sana is finishing up their glowy makeup look. 

“Shall we whip up a few pre-game beverages?” Sana says with a wiggle of their thick eyebrows. 

"I could go for a small one," I say, "But I still want to be able to drink those obscenely overpriced margaritas at Ruckus."

"Come on, Sonia, I thought we were getting wasted tonight,” says Kaliyah. 

"Yeah, but my dad's appointment got moved to tomorrow morning and my mom can't take him. So..." I trail off as Sana's smile slips for a second before it is just as quickly pulled back into place.

They turn away, clapping their hands, "Okay, I'll mix us something light."

“You two,” they point between us, “please be dressed by the time I come back.”

Kaliyah and I share an amused look as Sana departs to the kitchen. In their mini cargo skirt and cropped black turtleneck, they somehow look like a sleek, siren version of Kim Possible.

“So, my Sonia,” Kaliyah says, squeezing my shoulders and nudging me toward her bed. “What’ll it be?”

Her arms fan out like she's Vanna White and the clubbing outfits strewn across her unmade bed are a game show prize instead of a collection of shiny metallics dresses and low-cut bodysuits. 

All are a far cry from the matching sweatsuits I wear (on a good day) as of late. I reach for a white tube top that looks like the most comfortable of the options.

“I think it’s got to be this one.” Kaliyah nods approvingly before snatching a short, white skirt and placing it in my arms. “You know, I can’t remember the last time we went out like this.”

“Right? Tonight’s going to be great.” 

“How’s everything with Jasper by the way? How are you feeling about the big move?” 

"Oh, you know." She replies with a dismissive wave, going to the vanity to fix her berry lipstick. 

But I don't know. Our primary mode of communication for these past few months has been a group chat consisting of TikTok video links and emoji replies.

I return to the bathroom to change and brush my overgrown bangs into submission. Though I fear the slightest movement could cause an accidental flashing, the white top looks flattering against my golden-brown skin, and for the first time in months I don't look like someone aged beyond her years, but instead an LA twenty-something ready for a night out. 

Perhaps the only thing that gives me away are my eyes - they look tired to the extent that even a strategically placed under-eye white eyeliner can’t fix. 

As I return to the kitchen, Sana whistles and Kaliyah claps her hands together before saying, “Babeeeee - you’re a total smoke show!” 

I give them a whirl before playfully replying, “Does that mean one of those drinks is for me?” 

“You bet, darling. One spicy margarita - specially made for Sonia,” Sana says as they hand over the beautifully prepared drink. Before I can convey my gratitude, Kaliyah chugs the rest of her paloma and slams the compostable cup onto the counter. 

“I’ll be right back,” she says as she backs away from the kitchen. She playfully twirls the tied terry rope keeping her bathrobe in place. “Sana vetoed this outfit.” 

“Ha.” Sana says before turning back to me with a more serious face than I’ve seen on them tonight. "Hey, I think someone was texting you when you were changing." They nod back to the counter where my fully charged phone is still plugged in.

I rush to check, letting out a sigh of relief when it is just a mix of telemarketer voicemails and work emails. Not my dad.

A disco-themed hotspot in Silverlake around 9:33pm. 

The first stop of the night is a place I once wanted to visit so badly - a club called Ruckus, known for their disco-ball lit dance floor and mini-margarita flights. It was kind of Kaliyah and Sana to remember, which made it all the more impossible to tell them I no longer had any desire to go there. 

Even though I would rather be anywhere else, preferably somewhere that doesn’t require shouting to hear each other and squinting to adjust to odd lighting, I get to spend time with people I love and that is something I no longer take for granted.  

Kaliyah pulls a charming grin before waving over a bartender. “Hi, there. We’ll do two margarita flights. Sana, babe, what’ll you have?” 

“I’m sorry, were you and Sonia planning on downing two flights of margaritas on your own?”

Kaliyah and I share a look, affirming we are on the same page. “Absolutely we were.” I reply. Sana reviews the drink menu before placing an order for one shot of tequila. 

“So, how have you both been? What’s been going on?” I ask once we’re seated on the high barstools and waiting for our drinks. 

“I’m good! Glad to be here with my favorites,” replies Kaliyah as she looks at each of us with starry eyes and hands clasped together near her chin. 

Our flights are set in front of us, looking comically large next to Sana’s shot of tequila. With a drink in hand, we clink our glasses before each taking a sip. 

“Damn, this is good!” I nod in agreement. “With all the moving stuff, I haven't had a night to myself all week,” Kaliyah admits.

“I’m really happy for you and Jas.” I squeeze her knee with a smile. “If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.”

“Thanks, but don’t worry about it, S.” It has to be the first time she hasn’t jumped on an offer to help as someone who historically hates moving.

Before I linger too long on her not taking me up on my offer, I lean forward to see Sana better before asking, “How about you, Sana? How’s the new job been?” 

Sana slightly stiffens and I can’t escape the feeling that I’m asking all the wrong questions. 

“It’s good,” they say unconvincingly. “How about you, Sonia? How are you doing?” 

My mind automatically goes to reply with, “I’m good.” The same ambiguous response I just received that has me feeling distant from my closest friends. 

But truly how does anyone authentically answer that question - how are you doing? Are we asking because we want to know or because we feel like we have to? 

Before I can reply, a new voice calls out, “Sana!”

We turn to see a beautiful redhead. “It was great to meet you at Bar Sperl. Nicole loves bartending with y-”

“Rachel. Hi, it was great to meet you too.” Sana offers a strained smile. “Hope you have fun tonight. Thanks for stopping by and saying hi.”

Kaliyah and I exchange a confused look at Sana’s uncharacteristic dismissal.

“So, shall we do some dancing?” Sana suggests. 

It’s probably for the best that we don’t return to the topic of how I’m doing because I’m not entirely sure myself. 

A liquor store near Hollywood Hills around 11:11pm. 

On our way to the second stop of the night, a Hollywood Hills party, Kaliyah convinces us to make a detour to a nearby liquor store. 

“It’s bad manners to show up at a party where you don’t know anyone, and you haven’t brought anything to share. We can do one, but we can’t do both.” 

And because that rationale made a lot of sense to our trio, we now find ourselves stumbling inside a no-frills liquor store.

My mission to find a reasonably priced white wine is abandoned at one glance towards the red wine aisle. The man I spy debating on which bottle to take home is the same man whose voice has been the soundtrack of my life the past few months. 

Max King. Lead singer of Dog from Hell. Holy shit. 

He’s handsome. Paler than I imagined, but not substantially smaller as many celebrities are once you see them in-person around LA. His looks are nice, but that’s never been his strongest appeal to me. It’s that voice of his and the ways he puts it to use.

Before I realize it, I’m moving closer and attempting to play far cooler than I feel as I pretend to examine red wines - ones I would never drink. White wine is superior. 

After a few moments, Max turns his gaze toward me, giving me a double take quicker than I thought humanly possible. I smile because what else are you to do when you’re standing in a liquor store next to your rockstar crush? 

He smiles back and oh my god - he’s cute. 

And seeing him now, in-person, and post-margarita flight, I can’t help but imagine other ways in which I’d like to hear that voice… 

And then, all too quickly, he’s on his way to check out. I seek out Kaliyah and Sana only to find them already staring at me. We reconvene in the chip aisle where we exchange silent squeals. 

We turn away from each other when we hear Max’s Irish accent. “Do you need anything?”

While I have many replies to that question if he’s the one asking, it’s not being directed at me. 

Near Max is a woman with eyes such a beautiful mix of hazel and green she must have been a saint in a past life to be that beautiful in this one.  

Those eyes turn to me, and I give her a smile as I try to appear less in awe of her beauty than I am. She returns mine with one of her own.

The rustling sound of glass bottles draws my attention back to Max who is making his way out of the store. 

Before I can think too much about it, I follow Max and his companion outside. Their interactions don't seem that intimate, so they probably aren't dating. Right? I can’t not approach when he’s right here, right now. 

“Hi, so sorry to bother you,” I say to Max’s back. 

He and his companion pause their journey to the car and turn to me. “I wouldn’t normally do this, but I’m a huge fan,” I say. 

“Oh, yeah?” Max lightly laughs. “Sounds like you’ve got woeful taste.”

“How long are you in town for?” I ask with eagerness on full display. 

“I live here now, so, forever, I suppose,” he says kindly. 

“If you need a tour guide to show you around, I’m sure I can help.” My gaze cuts to the hazel-eyed goddess. “As long as your…friend doesn’t mind.”

At this point, I am having an out of body experience as I proposition my celebrity crush in a liquor store parking lot. 

“Ah, you’re too kind.” 

“So, do you have a girlfriend?” I cannot believe I just asked like that and from the not so quiet laughs behind me, neither can Kaliyah and Sana.  

Max runs a noticeably large hand through his hair. “What’s your name?”

I immediately reply and Max repeats my name. It’s almost too much to bear with that accent. 

“I don’t have a girlfriend, however, this is my wife.”

Oh. My. God. 

I’m not entirely convinced Max and Cora are married after that odd encounter, but there is undeniably something between the two of them. 

“Cora Bittering…why does her name sound so familiar?” Sana questions. 

“That’s the first thing you have to say after all of…that?” Kaliyah questions with a wave of her hand.

I burst out laughing for the first time in a long time at the absurdity of it all. It’s not long before Sana and Kaliyah join me. We sit on the sidewalk in front of the store and before I can move from my vulnerability rush to shame spiral, Kaliyah interrupts my train of thought.

“Please tell me why we are having the most fun tonight in a liquor store parking lot of all places.” 

Sana and I assure Kaliyah a little too late and a lot too unconvincingly that we’ve been having a great time. 

Kaliyah gives us a big sigh and starts to remove her heels. “I outdid myself on tonight’s itinerary. But no one, myself included, has had a particularly good time tonight. And I want to know why.”

There’s no judgment in her observation - just plenty of curiosity, care, and a bit of resignation. 

Sana and I share a look to determine which of us is going to reply first. At Sana’s facial expression, I say, “Look, I’m grateful to be here with you both. To be anywhere with you both. I just…” I pause to think of how to articulate all I’ve been feeling and not saying. 

“We’ve spent hours together for the first time in a long time and I don’t have any idea of what’s going on with either of you. How are you, really? I don’t know. And it doesn’t seem like you want to know how I’m truly doing either.”

I look to Sana on my left then to Kaliyah on my right. Our outfits, hair, and makeup are intact, but somehow we all look a bit worse for wear. 

Sana gently says, “Sonia, can you tell us why you feel like we don’t want to know how you’re doing? That couldn’t be further from how we feel.”

Kaliyah nods. I blow out a breath. 

“This is the first time we’re together in-person in two months. And what have we talked about? We’ve all had some pretty big life changes as of late, yet our conversations have noticeably not been on these.”

I continue, “Kaliyah, you’re moving in with your boyfriend. Sana, you started your dream job. And I…My dad has stage four cancer.” I trail off.

“We’ve been together this whole night, but I still miss you both. I don’t know what’s actually going on in your lives and I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like feeling like if it’s beyond surface level that you don’t want to hear from me.”

“Oh, babe.” Kaliyah cocoons me under her sequin-covered arm. 

“I think we, or I at least, have been afraid of saying the wrong thing. You’re doing this incredibly selfless, incredibly difficult thing in taking care of your dad.”

She rubs my upper arm soothingly. “The last thing I wanted was to be another person in your life you felt you needed to take care of. I didn’t want to complain about my life when what’s going on feels so…”

“Small in comparison?” Sana offers. 

“Yes, exactly.” Kaliyah confirms. 

“I can appreciate that you’ve been trying to look out for me in your own way. But…by not sharing what’s going on in your life or asking me about mine, I’ve felt like you haven’t wanted me to be a part of yours anymore.” 

We talk for what feels like hours in the parking lot, and I learn that Kaliyah is just as nervous as she is excited about moving in with Jasper. She loves Jas and loves her independence and is worried about maintaining both. 

Sana is worried they will have to leave a job they adore because the salary isn’t enough to cover expenses, even with the bartending they started on the side and didn’t tell us about.

And I learn that while my friends and I used to love going out, they only proposed a night out on the town to get my mind off things. None of us wanted to spend our evening this way.

We end the night differently than anticipated: sitting on the sidewalk of a Silverlake liquor store, discussing how we might not always know what we or one another need, but how we might simply start by asking. 

8:09pm Pitaji: Ok Thank you beti. Be safe. 

8:11pm Pitaji: Also have fun. Love <3 u.