ANA
I wake up panting, my forehead glistening with cold sweat, and yet… I feel overcome by the wave of peace unmistakably blanketing my body.
What in the ever-living hell just happened?
At first, I thought Emily had snuck in a promotional cutout of me and placed it at the foot of my bed. Blinking my eyes open, there was my familiar shield, followed by the flowing linen of the chiton. But then, an unmistakable glow filled the room—yes, an actual angel-in-the-movies, sun-shining-at-noon, glow—surrounding a woman’s face.
My mouth was dry, and when I opened it, no words would come out. There was no way this wasn’t some sort of lucid dream.
Heart pounding and jaw agape, the woman—Angel? Psychological hallucination?—parted her lips and spoke, “It is I, Athena, Daughter of Metis, Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare. It has come to my attention that you, Ana, require my gifts. Day after day, I watch women come to my home and look around in wonder, temporarily inspired by the legacy I’ve left behind, hoping their names are uttered in the mouths of their bloodlines for even an additional generation. But you, you’ve made yourself quite the fixture. I’ve gotten to know you, and I’d like to help, especially seeing as the Olympians have selected you to represent me to the modern masses. I know you possess verve and tenacity. That’s good; you’re going to need it. However, you’ll need to possess a warrior-like strategy and a soft heart if you’re to arrive at your destiny. I’m aware: two characteristics that can appear at odds in the world you walk. You’ll have to trust me, and when you start to feel off kilter, remember: A Goddess strikes when her reputation is at stake, and softens when the opportunity for pleasure arises.”
ATHENA
Ō popoi!
When my presence was transported to Nashville, I thought how nice it would be for Americans to finally honor a Goddess. After years of a haphazard mix of obscenity and oppression, perhaps I could transport my gifts to a new people. Then, 1990 came. I was lovingly erected in steel glory, the closest I had ever come to my Athenian counterpart, and, joyfully, my likeness was unveiled. However, it didn’t take long to realize that that mission was to be more difficult than I had supposed.
Thankfully, my 42-foot stature protected me from suffering the same fate as the poor Molly Malone likeness in Dublin, her breasts rubbed so hard the bronze has oxidized, but I have a furious feeling that if I were less imposing, and if Zeus hadn’t had the foresight to bestow my Aegis, that I’d suffer the same fate in a land such as this.
How could I not, when, even amongst the flowers being laid at my feet and prayers being whispered, I can hear utterances of chauvinists in “Buy Him a Drink, He’s Almost Extinct” t-shirts roaming the nearby streets?
Presumably, that’s what you get when you establish a land on the basis of one mere male God.
I digress.
I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a female—female!—director’s chair set up next to a column and the words “Athena’s War” at the top of her shot list.
That’s when things got interesting.
ANA
The fridge door slams shut, and a strawberry-vanilla protein shake is in my hand, but I look down minutes later and realize I have no memory of drinking it. My mind is still stuck on the memory of last night.
When I was first living in my tiny studio after the emancipation, I’d get so scared at night, sure that I’d be the victim of a torturous crime like one of the starlets I’d read about, except worse, no one would remember my name. I’d be jolted awake at three a.m., heart racing, having had nightmares of being chased, of boogie men awaiting me in closets, of having left a window unlocked.
But this felt pointedly different.
Instead of feeling a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I felt a sense of calm, my whole body blissfully relinquishing control to a benevolent force greater than myself. Whatever it was, I hadn’t experienced anything like it before.
The Publix is buzzing with the hum of phone calls asking for ingredient lists and passerby chatter. Suddenly, I understand why Levi explained how anything can be a date with the right intentions. His hand is slid into the back pocket of the Agolde jeans I precisely chose because they give the perfect air of “this totally isn’t a date” and also lift my ass the best, and the air conditioning in the dairy aisle is providing a welcome relief to the stifling heat of a Tennessee summer.
“If you’re making pizza at home, you might as well make it better than a frozen one.” As he tosses the shredded cheese back to the bin and chooses a creamy ball of mozzarella, images flash to mind of us hand-in-hand, enveloped by the herby smell I love at the Topanga Farmers Market on Sundays, of leisurely mornings with breakfast in bed, of the white henley he’s wearing falling to the floor and having unmitigated access to a body that is quite literally fit for a Greek God…
Snap out of it.
A cart driven by a short, older woman taps the back of my ankle, and she muffles a timid, “So sorry,” before realizing who we are and quickly backing away. I give her my best megawatt smile and overeagerly exclaim, “You’re totally fine!”
Mind out of the gutter, we’re back to business as usual, playfully bickering back and forth on whether or not pineapple goes on pizza when I feel a heady rush come in through my crown, and I spit out, “What if I join you for dinner?”
Naturally, it's been on my mind all evening, but I had ardently decided not to bring it up, fully aware of the slippery slope we could fall down lest we be left alone together. I hardly have time to ponder this when he twitches his lips into a coy smile and playfully teases, “Are you inviting yourself over, Barlow?”
My chest fluttering with divine inner knowing, of course, the answer is yes.
ATHENA
Perched on a soft cloud, biting into fleshy, sweet cantaloupe, I watch Ana and Levi flirtatiously move around each other in the kitchen. Ana stealing glances at Levi as he carefully places the pepperonis, Levi attempting (and failing) to gauge how much of this is actually pretend. Surely, he thinks, I’m not the only one feeling something? His space is tight quarters, and I’m glad that they didn’t choose Ana’s abode for this—it’s a lot harder to play matchmaker when two people could coexist in a kitchen the size of a city apartment, never accidentally knocking elbows or squeezing against another as cupboard doors swing about.
They have bantered and certainly gotten physical tonight, Ana comfortably draping her legs over Levi as they watch a movie, Levi gingerly wiping tomato sauce off of her cheek. Still, I can tell Ana’s getting ready to make her exit, and it’s time to step in.
ANA
“I’m doing what now?”
Levi just got off the phone with Edwin and explains that that the cozy storm we’d been enjoying has evolved into a full-blown tornado watch. Skin prickling, I realize I have none of my “first night at a man’s house” essentials, and, as much as my body yearns to move closer to him, it’s sending all of the signals that I’m comforted—easy laughter, genuinely wanting to share stories—I’m nervous at what will happen if we cross that unspoken boundary. It has been a long time since I’ve let anyone new into my life, and memories of my mother’s betrayal seem to ooze internally, filling my stomach with quicksand.
Just as I’m about to say that I’ll take the couch, I feel a heady confidence almost lightning bolted in through my root chakra, and I swear I hear a velvety voice say, “Choose joy,” and just like that, I’m in Levi’s athletic shorts and a worn Ohio State t-shirt.
This should be interesting.
ATHENA
It hasn’t always been easy being a Virgin Goddess. How is one supposed to feel the sweet honey warmth of trust after a childhood companion goes up against them in battle, or a close confidante takes credit for a creation you poured blood, sweat, and tears over? Denied proposals and treachery aside, my years have been filled with love in different ways, not least of which, flowering from mothering dieties and mortals alike.
The difference in perspective, of course, is the immutable fact that Ana is a mortal, and I, a Goddess. Mortals are forced to walk upon the muck of the earth to find their reason for being, and along with that, to experience emotions to color the experience that the fates have had planned for them.
Joy, heartbreak, love.
I can feel Ana’s trepidation in my body as if it’s my own, and hear her swirling thoughts as if I’m tuned into those static-filled radios that littered living rooms the world over in the 1950s. I understand these sentiments because the Goddess, of course, lives in every woman. It’s our most sacred duty. However, in every person’s life, there comes a time to take a chance, to love and live and prosper, and now is hers.
Glass of glimmering Aegean sea lifted to my lips, I lean forward.
Things are getting good.
Levi gently murmurs, “I feel lucky being here with you,” as he brings his mouth over and allows his tongue to brush hers softly. Just then, I know she needs a push, permission to allow herself this moment, and so I fill her toes-to-crown with a feeling of sweet nectar, watch her melt into his body, and return to my temple.
Swish.
ANA
His teeth skimming my bottom lip, callused hands moving my hips onto his sturdy body, the way his eyes closed in pleasure just as it all became too much…
My cheeks blazing, I peer out the window and attempt to regain composure before meeting Levi for my favorite walk around the lake. Lately, I’ve been feeling more assured, and I find myself looking forward to this outing just as I would to grabbing lunch with Emily at our favorite crudo spot in LA, or filming a scene I’ve worked for months perfecting. Smiling, we pull up to the trailhead, and I see Levi already waiting, situated on a boulder, muscles busting out of his short sleeves.
I bounce out of the car and announce, “Hey, cowboy!” letting him know I’m there. He quickly comes to attention and bounds towards me as I walk to meet him, “We might be in Nashville, but I’m sure not a cowboy.”
He hugs me, and his arms wrap around my waist. I don’t want him to let go, but we’re here for a reason, and so we set off.
The breeze is caressing our skin, and the aroma of wild bergamot fills the air. We’re walking in step, and brave enough to share the truth of my hardened exterior for the first time in a long time, I explain exactly what happened with Roy and my mother, not skipping the particularly ugly parts that also feel the most therapeutic to share.
I look up to assess how he’s taking all of this, and I can see he’s trying hard to hold back his anger—eyebrows pinched and lips firmly pressed together. Finishing the story, I realize that the weight of it feels lesser, lighter, somehow.
“And yet here you are, filming the biggest role of your career.” He stares at me straight in the eyes as he says it, and I look up, silently communicating that it was the perfect thing to say.
ATHENA
Hand to my chest, I’m taken aback by Ana’s candor and composure. Tapping into her Goddess energy, and I didn’t have to lift a finger.
I see a group of hikers and quickly send a jolt of a thought to the middle-aged woman leading the pack, “Let’s go down this path instead,” she commands.
Perfect.
ANA
This part of the trail is normally populated, but I haven’t seen a single person in over a mile. Feeling empowered, I playfully pull Levi behind the large trunk of a maple tree. Before I know it, his arms are firmly tugging me closer, and I can smell the scent of his peppery body wash on the nape of his neck. What starts as sweet, innocent even, quickly switches gears into something much more urgent, and I think, “It’s time to take what I want, when I want it, for once.”
Just like that, I’m above the clouds.
ATHENA
Popping a plump green grape in my mouth, I smile and float away.
My work for today is done.
ANA
I can feel my shoulders tense up to my ears, and my chest feels like someone has cranked up a furnace.
Levi is staring, waiting for my reply, but the last thing he said is ringing in my ears, “He told me he tried to get you off the film.”
Of course. Levi comes off as a person with good morals and Midwestern kindness, but how did I not anticipate that all men were just the same—like Roy, like my Dad? Looking out for themselves, thinking women are like china dolls who have to be protected no matter the cost. Especially if the cost means confronting them with news that might make them hysterical.
I’m seething when I spit out, “You knew he’d tried to get me fired and didn’t tell me?”
As I stare at Levi, I can tell he has regrets. His eyes are glassy, and his body has seemingly shrunk. He tries to explain, “I was trying to protect your feelings…I only decided to tell you now because you need to know that he’s been a bitch, not you. At the end of the day, his plan didn’t work. Your plan did. That’s what matters.”
I see the intention, but it’s not enough. I can feel an odd sensation in my heart, a warmth of understanding trying to break through, but I won’t let it, I can’t. Being too quick to forgive and forget has hurt me in the past, and damn it, I’m not going to make the same mistake again. I promise to remain professional at work, put on my best icy exterior, and, head held high but crestfallen, I walk away.
ATHENA
Even as I was attempting to break through, I knew this was a lesson that Ana would have to learn on her own. Every Goddess must go through times such as these and make the independent decision to either move on or bestow a second chance and graciously forgive.
As I watched her walk away, I was hit with flashbacks of that fateful day with Poseidon and Medusa. How they took one another in their arms, and chose to fornicate right there, in the middle of my temple. Like it was no holier than a pig pen! Medusa, my loyal priestess, who knew how much my space meant to me, that I found it sacred, and she being privy to that knowledge, I made the mistake of thinking our friendship was as well. In my rage, I transformed her from being a beautiful maiden to a gorgon, her silky strands becoming snakes and making it so she may never know the familiar touch of a man again.
At the time, it felt like righteous rage, but I’d be lying if, over the centuries, I hadn’t thought back to that day and decided to simply banish Uncle Poisidon from my temple and forgive Medusa, who had always been a cherished disciple, allowing her a second chance to prove her devotion.
And that’s why I fear I must do something drastic.
ANA
“CUT!”
My body is tensed, and I feel like my heart is in my gut. I just watched Levi get thrown off a horse and land tangled on the ground. He’s not breathing, and as the medical team rushes in, my legs move as fast as they can, weaving through the production team toward him. Suddenly, all of the anger and doubt I had been projecting onto him evaporates, and I get a staggering clarity that I love Levi.
We should have talked it out. I should have asked for a day to clear my head and gather my thoughts. I should’ve, I should’ve, I should’ve…
I tell Colt to go to hell when he tries belittling my feelings, and I breathlessly yell to Francesca that I’m out for the day as I fall into an Uber, in full Athena garb, and speed off to the hospital.
The only place I need to be.
I swear, never in my life have I been so relieved to hear my name called. I look over, and there’s a bloody but fully conscious Levi being wheeled toward me, right where he belongs.
We’re both tearing up. Levi in the hospital bed, me from my creaky plastic chair. Holding hands, I kiss his face and gaze into his eyes.
We’ve apologized for both of our reactions, and raspy, he says he wants to apologize the right way, out of the hospital, away from prying eyes. I’m filled with a knowing warmth, and I know he feels it too.
This is only the beginning.
