Big Screen, Big Feels

“Mar, we’re going to be late!” 

“Coming!” she yells to me from down the hall of our Greenpoint apartment. 

We moved in together nearly immediately after Sloane and Carter’s wedding. We felt like there was no more time to waste. And the wedding only solidified to me that I want that for Marin and me too. She officially gave the notebook to me to keep, and it sits on our dresser in the bedroom, next to a photo of us from the wedding with Sloane and Carter, a vinyl record player, and Marin’s perfume, the same one she wore when I first fell in love with her all those years ago. 

Today we’re reuniting with Sloane and Carter again in L.A. for Sloane’s first big premiere. Carter warned me the film is a bit more based on Marin and I than Sloane let on when she asked us permission to use us as inspo, but I’m not worried. I’m proud that we can memorialize our love on the big screen in a way that only can do. Mar might be a bit more embarrassed about it – she’s not exactly one to put herself out in the spotlight – but no one will know that Exit Lane is about us. 

“I swear, if Sloane tells even one reporter that we are the ones that inspired this film, I’m going to lose it,” Marin says, juggling her two carry-on bags, tote bag, and garment bag with her dress for the premiere. 

“She’s not going to do that. Unless she does, because, well, she’s Sloane. And then we’ll just laugh and it’ll be fine.” 

I grab our keys – it still amazes me every time I think about our keys, our apartment, our life – and we head out the door. 

Sloane has and always will be marvelous to me. I love watching her effervescent and creative spirit dance about a room. This theater is filled with all of the people who worked countless hours to bring her story, our story, to life on film. I’m so proud of her. 

“There’s my brilliant best friend,” she says as she gives me a big hug at the end of the literal red carpet. 

“I think I should be saying that about you, Sloane. Look at this! Congratulations.” 

Carter and Teddy hug too, and we all chat about how the leading actress in the film brought Phoebe Bridgers as a date. We’re trying to figure out if they’re dating or friends. We settle on friends with benefits just before Sloane is called over to do a few photos with the director and producers. 

“She’s incredible,” Carter says, beaming. We all agree.”Wait until y’all see this film. I mean, I’ve read the script a million times and watched the embargoed copy with Sloane last week. You’re not ready for it.” 

Teddy and I exchange a glance. It’s like he can tell I’m nervous about how much this is actually based on our lives. I’m not sure I can bear reliving the pain I caused Teddy all those years ago. It feels like a different lifetime ago, one where I self-sabotaged to the point of not only hurting myself but isolating myself from everyone I truly loved. I take a few deep breaths and say a mental thanks to my amazing therapist Rhonda for my growth over the last several years. Everything will be okay. Like he’s reading my mind, Teddy grabs my hand and squeezes it, smiling. Yes, everything will be okay. 

This film isn’t that much like our real lives. It is damn good, though. Sloane is one hell of a writer, and we all knew this, but seeing it on screen just makes it even more impressive. I chuckle at the thought of how things turned out – all of us best friends from Iowa, together and living our best lives. 

The big sex scene in the movie is really fucking hot, reminding me so much of our first time together in Copenhagen. It makes me wonder how much Marin told Sloane – or if it just happens to be that Sloane’s imagination of the best filmatic sex scene is this comparable to our real lives. 

Thinking about that week in Copenhagen always turns me on. I feel myself throb at the thought of it, the careless, blissful freedom of that week, the countless times Mar and I have had fucking great sex since. I lean over to whisper to her, “After this, I’m going to do all that and more to you.” 

She says nothing back, but squeezes my thigh and leans over to kiss my ear, biting it just so, in the very specific way that she knows drives me crazy. 

Then the part I’ve been worrying about, the scene where the main characters are fighting because he shared that he’s sick, is on the screen. My stomach churns a bit, and even though we told Sloane it was okay for her to tell her story, I feel anxious watching that painful moment unfold on the big screen. I can only hope that others will see this movie and know that it’s okay to take a chance at love, and that second chances can end up being the best thing that ever happens to you. 

I grab Marin’s hand and squeeze it. She squeezes it back. I kiss the top of her head to let her know that I don’t hold the pain she had in that moment against her anymore, that it’s all okay now. That I love her no matter what. 

Sloane looks over at us and I offer a soft smile and an assuring nod. She smiles back and mouths “love you” to Mar, who is now leaning her head on my shoulder. 

The rest of the film is beautiful. I find myself crying at the end, basking in the gratitude that this is how things ended up for Marin and me. We’re living the life I’ve always dreamed of, and I’m never going to take a minute of it for granted. I visualize the ring I picked out last week, perfectly simple and untraditional, timelessly stylish, just like Marin. I’m so grateful I don’t have to worry about her answers, and I don't have to worry about the big question mark of our lives together anymore. It’s simple now. It’s just me and Marin, forever. 

“I’m so fucking proud of you, Sloane. The film was amazing. Cheers!” I say, finishing my toast in the trendy restaurant nearby the premiere. The four of us are celebrating with dinner and drinks, keeping it fairly simple but elegant and classy. 

“To Marin and Teddy, for letting me steal bits of their story for mine, and for being amazing human beings,” Sloane adds. “And to my dearest, Carter, you are the love of my life.” 

We clink glasses of champagne. I’m so happy. 

“Should we tell them now?” Carter says. Sloane nods.

“I’m pregnant! We’re going to be parents!” Sloane giggles and I start bawling immediately. I always knew Sloane would be a mom, but having this reality hit me makes me feel all of the love I have for her at once. I give her the biggest hug and whisper that I’m endlessly proud of her. 

I see Carter give Teddy a knowing wink. I look around the table, savoring the moment. These are my people, and we’re all exactly where we want to be. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so happy. 

After dinner, Teddy and I crash back into the hotel room like it’s our first time going home together. It’s as cinematic as the sex in the film – we kick off our shoes, he picks me up and kisses me against the slammed door. Watching the last several years of our lives on the big screen reminded me all over again of why I love him so much. And made me want him. Right now. 

“What do you want?” he breathes into my neck as he’s kissing it. 

“You, between my legs. Immediately.”

He throws me onto the hotel bed and lifts my dress over my head. Sometimes in the rush of our busy lives these days, we just quickly take off our own clothes and have efficient (yet still lovely) sex. But it’s moments like these when I find myself absolutely throbbing for him. He carefully takes off my underwear, slowly kissing up my legs as he does, until his mouth meets the space between my legs that’s now wet and waiting for him. 

I grab the sheets like women do in movies as he pushes his fingers inside. I’m impatient though. I want more, more, more of him. I gently pull his hair so he looks up at me and I whisper, “I want all of you. Now. Please.”

I undo his belt as he takes off his shirt and climbs on top of me. I playfully turn him onto his back so that I can climb on top. Lately I’ve enjoyed being on top. It lets me look directly at him as he luxuriates in the pleasure. I ease myself onto him and work my hips, hearing him moan ever so softly as I begin kissing his neck. 

I briefly hop off to grab my vibrator out of my carry-on, and then we resume, both extremely close. I hold the vibrator on my clip as I ride him, hitting the spot deep inside me as we kiss deeper. It’s rare that we come at the same time, but tonight we do, and I collapse onto his chest in a sigh of pleasure. He kisses my forehead. I smile. “Never gets old.”

“Mar, it’s as perfect as the first time, every time with you. You’re a goddess.” 

I kiss him and smile. How lucky are we to know a love this pure? How grateful am I to have finally accepted that love can be easy and that we don’t need to run away from it.